"For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore."
Psalms 38:2
Hunting with a bow is probably one of the most difficult ways to hunt. In order for the hunter to take his prize home, his timing has to be just right and his accuracy has to be superb. I know of such a Mighty Hunter, One who is of perfect patience and skill. He waits for the perfect opportunity and shoots right through the heart. This Hunter shot me with His arrow on October 6, 1998. I was mortally wounded and I ran. But like a faithful hunter, He followed after me until I finally laid down my life. Then He picked me up to carry me home.
I was not a grand prize. I was not an executive in a company nor was I a magna cum laude graduate. To paint a picture of who I was, I will have to start at an earlier time in my life.
I grew up in a godless home. If I ever went to church, it was to a Catholic Mass. I really knew nothing about God. When I was about ten years old, I remember reading a Children’s Bible. The stories were very interesting. I read the story of Creation and there was something inside me that told me it was true. Everything all around me seemed to assure my tender young heart that God was real. However, as I entered my teenage years any thoughts that I once had of God were forgotten. I chose to follow after the sins of the world rather than to seek the face of a holy God. Those vivid thoughts that I had once had about Him seemed to fade away the more that I gave into my temptations.
In high school I was a mess. My outward life was one of laughter and smiles. On the inside, however, I was filled with awful turmoil. Because of difficulties in my childhood and a troubled home life, I often wondered why I even existed. But instead of turning to that witness that I had once had in my heart as a child about the God of the Bible, I turned instead to Eastern beliefs.
But I soon discovered that Eastern beliefs offered me no hope and no answers. All they offered me was to be one with everything. I could be like a drop of water in the vast ocean. I would find momentary peace and relaxation through meditation, but it was not the peace that lasted. No hope or answers existed in these ways and after a while I drifted away from them to find fulfillment elsewhere.
I wanted answers. What was this hole in my life? What was missing? I thought that perhaps it was love, that love would fill the awful void. So I got a girlfriend. Sure, this made me happy at first. But when the butterflies went away, I was left with the same old feelings. I saw that human love could not satisfy the longings of my heart.
After graduating from high school I went to college in Vermont. Here was my chance to really change things, to be who I really wanted to be. There were different people, a different environment, a different everything, or so I thought. But the attempts I made at changing things did not last very long because there was one thing that just was not different—me. I was always left with me.
In college I began to do the sins that I thought and said I would never do. Diving into deeper sin threw me into a downward spiral and a half hearted attempt at suicide was the finale of my first semester of college. I was left longing for something more than ever. I just wanted answers. At one point I thought about going to see the young Catholic priest that was on campus. Something inside me did not feel right about going. I knew many students that went to mass and believed in God, yet they committed all the same sins that I did. I thought God to be an imaginary friend and I was not going to fill a hole in my life with what I said was a fiction.
During the spring of that school year, 1997, I went to visit a friend that was a student at the University of Maine at Farmington. One Thursday evening as we were going to dinner at the cafeteria, my friends told me about the Gray People. I did not know anything about these Gray People but I was soon to find out.
Walking from the dorms to the cafeteria I saw the Friends of Jesus Christ, who mockingly are called the Gray People, standing in front of the cafeteria preaching and handing out literature, which they did every Thursday night. The man wore a black suit with a large brimmed black hat and the woman wore a long gray dress. It was obvious that these people were serious and that they were not too welcomed by the local population.
During one of my Thursday night visits to the cafeteria, I took one of the pieces of literature that they were handing out and read it while I ate dinner. Something that I read upset me. This, coupled with wanting to be macho, led me to crumple the tract and throw it at the face of the man standing outside. I missed his face, the tract bounced off his chest and fell to the ground. I wanted him to get angry and upset. All he got, however, was a compassionate, loving look on his face. I never forgot that look.
The following year, 1998, I transferred to the university at Farmington. This was a difficult year for me. I went on to even deeper sins in my search for happiness and satisfaction, but neither ever came. I wanted answers to this life so badly and I did not know where to turn. I was vocally opposed to God and I had given up on eastern beliefs. I did not have any where to turn for answers. At the end of that year I decided not to go back to school.
On September 17, 1998, I got into my 1983 Honda Civic and after a short tour of New England I headed west. Having never been any farther west or south than Albany, New York, the journey was quite interesting and it kept me entertained for awhile. But when my journey ended, I was somewhere near the Catalina Mountains outside of Tucson, Arizona. I was practically out of money, I was very lonely, and most of all I was confused.
In the evening of October 6th I was lying in my tent writing a letter by the light of my flashlight. The letter was about the beauty of Arizona and all the things that I had seen on my trip west. Little did I know that at that moment, God, the Mighty Hunter, was drawing back on His bow to send an arrow of conviction into my heart.
I was lying on my sleeping bag when suddenly a pain ripped through me. I felt immediate conviction for all of the terrible things I had done in my life. There was not a doubt in my mind that this was God. The arrow of the Lord struck my heart. I was mortally wounded. I looked up to Heaven and said, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" Sobbing, I saw what an awful person I truly was. Moreover, I saw how terribly wicked I had been to be such an opponent of God. Even though I knew little about the Bible, I intuitively knew that it was the God of the Bible who was speaking to my soul. Somehow deep down, I knew that this was my answer. That night I fell asleep weeping.
The next evening I called someone that I had met on the Internet. I knew that he lived somewhere around Phoenix. That same night I drove the two hours to his apartment. I stayed there that night and the following day I went looking for a job in Phoenix. I responded to an ad in the newspaper and got a job selling vacuum cleaners.
A couple of days later on Saturday, October 10th , I went on a short hike with the person I was staying with and some people that he knew. Sometime during the trip they talked about how they were going to meet for church the following day. I thought that this was just too good to be true. God had just spoken to me and here I was with people that went to church! I asked them if I could go and they said that I could.
The following day was the start of my year and a half experience with modern Christianity. Everyone at the church was very nice. They all sang and waved their hands to the music being played by a small band in the front of the auditorium. The Pastor preached a message after the worship time and coffee break. This was nothing like Catholic mass. I thought that this must be the answer I had been looking for. I spent the next week asking people about the Bible and Jesus Christ.
On Sunday, October 18, 1998, I returned to the same charismatic church. After the normal one and a half hour routine of singing, coffee break, and preaching, the Pastor asked if anyone would like to come up to the front for prayer. I immediately walked down to the front. The arrow of the Lord was lodged deep in my heart and I knew that if anyone needed prayer, I surely did. I sat down and a couple of young men came forward and asked me if I had ever accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I told them that I had not and that I would like to. They told me to pray something like this: "Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. I believe that you died for my sins and that you were raised from the dead. Lord, I do ask you to forgive my sins and help me to know you. In Jesus' name, Amen." Everyone gave me a hug and said that I was now saved. Not really understanding what they meant by saved, I just went along with it.
Over the next week I learned what they meant by saved and born again. They were saying that because I said that prayer I was now on my way to heaven. I was happy in a way, but nothing changed with me. Because I knew that my sins were wrong, I tried to act better, but I did not get very far trying. Every time I tried to stop doing some sin, I failed in my efforts. The church was not very helpful because they reassured me that I could not stop sinning and that I would always be a sinner. Forgetting about the conviction for sin that God had made me feel in the tent a couple weeks before, I accepted what they said to be true.
During this time I met a man while I was selling vacuum cleaners. He invited me to come and live with him and I immediately did. The environment was not very conducive to Christian living, but it did not bother me at first. However, eventually that arrow of conviction that was still deep in my heart made me feel very uncomfortable and I moved in with some people from the church shortly before Christmas of that year. I got a job working at a bookstore that sold Christian books and I straightened out a little. I cleaned up and stopped using foul language. I still smoked a pack of cigarettes a day but that was okay because according to the church I was always going to be a sinner.
Then one evening while reading my Bible, I came across some verses that really bothered me:
"Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God." 1 John 3:6-9
I had trouble sleeping that night and the next day when I went into work I went right to the reference section of the bookstore. I picked out a Greek Study Bible and looked up the verses. What I read did not make me feel any better. The footnote said that what is meant is the continual practice of sinning or habitual sin. I asked people what they thought about this and everyone said that was a good definition and that of course I had nothing to worry about because I did not fall into this category. But something just did not sit right with me. I knew that sin was wrong. I questioned that very footnote and definition. And even if the definition were right, was not smoking a pack a day of cigarettes considered habitual?
I then fell into the same old internal anguish. It was like the church was my new girlfriend and the butterflies were wearing away. Again, at the end of it all I was left with me—the same old Bryan. Nothing had changed. And again, I needed something new and different. I need something that would make me into a new person.
One night I decided to go near Arizona State University to meet some people and hand out tracts on salvation. I walked around the corner to where they were supposed to be but they were not there. Instead I saw a couple of men talking to people and preaching against sin. I stayed there and introduced myself. They told me how a Christian does not have to live in sin. I got involved with these two men and left the churches all together. I became a classic hypocrite. I preached on righteousness. I told people they could be free from sin. Yet, I was the same as ever. Just a plain old sinner.
It was during this time that I met Margaret and in May of 1999 Margaret and I became engaged. I moved an hour and a half out of the city into the desert to live with these men with whom I had been fellowshipping. As the months went by, I became more of a hypocrite. I really thought I was something though. I thought that I was on top of the world. We fed the poor, gave to widows, and did the things we thought Christians should do. I never changed though. I was still a sinner.
On October 2, Margaret and I were married. She had a two year old son whom I loved right from the first. I moved back to the city and got a good job working as an Information Technologist. Still battling with my internal struggles though, I looked for another way to find God. I began to follow the Old Testament Law thinking that might be the answer. I was reaching the point of desperation. I knew that God was real. He came to me back there in the tent, but yet I could not find Him.
After a few months I moved my wife and son out to the desert to live with the men I had been living with. It was a total act of desperation. I wanted God so bad. I did not know which way to turn. I was willing to do anything. But once we got out there we were miserable. All I wanted was to serve the Lord and get the victory over all my sins but the more I tried, the worse things got.
At the end of February of 2000 I got on my knees and cried out to the Lord for deliverance from the bondage that we were in. Right after that it got extremely difficult where we were staying. Margaret and I decided we needed to pack what we could and drive to my home state of Maine. So, on five days notice that is what we did. On the way home I learned that my Grandfather had died and we made it to Vermont just in time for the funeral. The funeral got me thinking about death and more specifically, about what comes after death. When we arrived in Maine, we temporarily moved in with my mother.
On Sunday, March 19th, I awoke and felt strangely impressed that I needed to go to Farmington to apologize to that Gray Person that I had thrown a tract at three years before. I never forgot that look of compassion on his face. I drove the hour and a half to Farmington and went to the Friends of Jesus Christ meeting house. I knocked on the door and was greeted by the man to whom I owed the apology. I went inside and apologized for what I had done on that Thursday night three years before.
I felt the Lord's presence there that day. I felt Him like I felt him when He first visited me in that tent. They invited me for lunch and I felt very drawn to these people. I saw that they had something that I did not have.
In our conversations that day they told me that they were delivered from sin and the world. I knew it was true! There was a witness in my heart that told me that these people were truly the servants of God. I came back the next week with my wife and promised them I would also return the following Sunday. I knew that I needed to live like these people. I knew they had something that I did not have.
All that week I thought about the Friends of Jesus Christ. Sunday came but I backed out of going to meeting. I had told God that I would do anything for deliverance. I just did not want to do this. I knew that if I gave my whole self to God that I was going to have to do what He wanted me to do. Plus the thought of losing my wife if I served the Lord was enough to make me avoid going to meeting.
At this point God pushed that arrow of conviction deeper into my heart. Oh, I felt terrible. The whole next week I knew what I needed to do to get right with God. I needed to give my whole life to Him. Here was the answer to all my inward turmoil. But I choked. I thought that if I did this I would surely lose my wife and son. She had no intention of giving her whole life to God. I was faced with the hardest decision that I ever had to make in my life.
The next Sunday, April 9, 2000, we went back to Farmington to meeting. I saw that if I really loved my wife and son, I would yield my life to God. In the evening meeting I stood up and said that I could no longer try to serve the Lord alone. I knew God had led me to His people and I knew He wanted me to serve Him with them. I then yielded myself to the total will of God and He came down in power and gave me victory over all my sins. He satisfied my soul, put peace in my heart, and filled me with love. Heaven came down and glory filled my soul!
Needless to say, Margaret was not pleased with my decision. The night that I came home with a black suit on my wife wailed. I felt so badly for what she was going through. I believed that soon she would pack her things and go back to Arizona. It did not seem as though Margaret wanted anything to do with serving God in His holy way.
On April 30, 2000, after the morning meeting, my wife yielded her life and will to God. Margaret had been going through three weeks of conviction where God showed her His holy way and the choice that she had to make. God made Margaret into a holy woman.
God has worked a wonderful miracle in my life. The questions that I had in my heart are now answered. My search is over. I have found my Savior. I have laid down my life to the Mighty Hunter and He has picked me up to carry me home. I'm glad that I found my Redeemer, I'm glad that He sought me so long!
Dear Reader,
What happened to me can and must happen to you if you truly want to go to heaven. There is no easy road to heaven. Jesus said that we must enter in through the strait gate which leads into the narrow way. And He is ever ready to save that soul that is willing to forsake his sins and all of the wicked ways of the world. I promise you that you will never be disappointed.