I want to tell you the story of my search for God and His dealings with me. This story could go on for days and days, but I will only speak of the most intense memories that I can remember, and those which I can remember the clearest. Please bear with me as I try to describe and explain those feelings and moments in which I knew that the Creator of the Universe touched my life. There will never be enough words to speak about this, but I will try to use the right ones to the best of my ability.
I always believed in God as a child. Jesus tells us to be like little children, and with good reason. As a little girl I always believed Jesus was watching me. I never slept without talking to Him. I always imagined He was there with me and I even sang to Him at Christmas time, thinking it was really His birthday. I didn't care about Santa; I cared about Jesus and His so-called birthday.
As I grew up and the temptations of this world began to beset me, the innocent things of this life became dull and Jesus Christ became like an old storybook character or some far away being that I could never really know. I didn't have the answers to this life and this depressed me. I was in anguish of soul, being very young and not understanding the meaning of life and seeing the pain and suffering of this world. I realized the vanity and futility of the things people lived for—fame, fortune, and the American Dream. I wanted something deeper.
Around this time in my life I wrote many stories and began to develop my talent in art. The main characters in my stories were always sad and empty beings, looking for a place to call home and a light at the end of the tunnel. They reflected much of what I felt inside, and with my art I could draw the brokenness which I felt and which I could not describe with words. This is why I enjoyed rock music and its violent concerts. I could scream as loud as I could and let out all of my frustrations in a crowd that felt the same way as I did.
When I started high school, I met a girl who was cool and pretty and we became buddies really fast. She often invited me to her church, but I always said no. I was afraid to go after my disappointment with the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church. If her church was anything like that, I wouldn't go. But she insisted it was different. So after knowing her for a while longer, I agreed to go, and I went to her church which was called Verbo, or The Word in English.
The first time I went, I remember hearing really loud, Jewish-like music. It was different, and it produced a happy atmosphere. I sat at the front with her parents while my friend was singing on stage. I remember my eyes welling up with tears after hearing some very emotional songs. I liked it and said that I would go again. And I did go often, although sometimes I would skip.
I remember that after a few weeks of going to that church I was asked by one of the elders if I would like to receive Jesus into my heart. I was afraid because I innately knew that to become a Christian would mean a total commitment. I sighed because I was afraid of hell, but I was also unsure of what it meant to be a Christian. I nodded, and we held hands and he led me in a prayer which I had to repeat that went something like this:
"Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for dying for me on the cross for my sins. I am sorry for my sins and recognize that you are the Son of God. I come to you right now, asking for forgiveness and asking that you sit on the throne of my heart to be my Lord and my Savior. Now I know that when I die I will go to heaven. In Jesus' name, Amen."
That was easy enough. Everyone was pretty excited, but I felt pretty stupid. It sounded more like a magic spell than a serious prayer asking Jesus to come into my heart. But observing the excitement in everyone else it appeared that no one else thought that.
I continued going to Verbo Ministries for some time. My friend's mom bought me a Bible. I would read it sometimes, but usually not alone because I didn't understand it, and quite honestly, I wasn't that interested. I still cursed and did many things of which I am ashamed to admit. I never fulfilled my responsibilities nor did I respect my elders. I was constantly in trouble in school and was guilty of much bad behavior. But somehow I thought I would go to heaven because I prayed a little prayer. Nevertheless, when I thought deeply about it, I wasn't convinced nor was I at peace.
I became more involved in the church world and tried to stop doing some of the grosser things that I was caught up in. Most of my friends weren't churchgoers, but they were pretty average teens—they went to school and passed, they had nice families, they went to parties, they only smoked or drank sometimes. Personally, I was afraid to smoke and I was afraid of drugs and drinking. I am thankful to my teachers in elementary school for drilling into my mind that drugs are bad for you.
I was a pretty average churchgoer. I went to the Sunday services, the youth groups, and all of the retreats. I read my Bible and I even evangelized on MySpace (no, really). I began to draw or paint religious things instead of the creepy and depressing art I had done before. I even went to Christian rock concerts! Oh, I was going to heaven for sure.
I met a boy whom I thought was really cool. He told me he was a Christian and that he went to a really great church called ERJ. He told me great things about it and invited me to go with him. But I had been taught that it wasn't right to jump from church to church, so I didn't want to go because I felt like I would be betraying my church family.
He came to my church a couple of times and then he told me that my church was dry and that it wasn't good for me to stay there because I would never grow spiritually. I felt that he was right. My pastor said the same thing each Sunday and all we did was eat junk food and play guitars in our youth group. I knew in my heart that if I were going to follow Jesus, it wouldn't be like this. Furthermore, I realized that some of the members in my church were in gross sin. I felt discouraged by this, especially because I felt that I was the only one making an attempt to change.
So I finally went to his church and I really liked it. Everyone looked passionate about Jesus. All of their songs made me cry and everyone spoke in tongues. The preacher was really cool and young, and he wore really hip clothes. He talked to us about things that I felt were truly important. He said that in order to follow Jesus we often had to do it alone and couldn't bring anyone with us. I felt I could relate to this because I knew that if I were going to start going to this church, I would have to do it alone. So I took it as a sign and became a member.
In that church I met a woman whom I thought to be super, super cool. She told me she would become my mentor and we gave each other our contact info. I would go to her house twice a month and she would give us a lesson. The lessons to me were very deep, especially compared to the preaching of my old pastor. I really enjoyed going, and I really enjoyed the new friendships and the attention that I was getting.
I began to preach at my school a few times a week and thought that I was some kind of hero. I was very popular and cool at my school and church and became proud and arrogant. I would incorporate rap music or rock music into my preaching and bible classes and people seemed to enjoy that about me. I made Jesus into a rock star, and everybody really liked this Jesus that I preached. I would say such things as, "Jesus wants you to be happy, healthy, and rich. If you try to stop doing bad things and can't, it's because you have a demon and we have to cast it out. But other than that, you're fine." I obviously didn't understand what John meant when he said, "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world." I John 2:15, 16.
But deep down in my heart, in spite of all of my activities, I always felt like I was in the wrong. And, very truthfully, I was wrong. My false Christianity made me arrogant and rude, and even malicious in my spirit. However, because some people from different churches came up to me and told me that I was harsh and mean, and knowing that Jesus was never harsh or mean, I really tried to become less arrogant and rude. I felt awful. I really tried to do the right thing, and after a while people seemed to realize it and listened to my "sermons" again. But I still felt guilty. Something was wrong and I wasn't sure what it was.
One night as I was reading my Bible alone, I read the following verses:
"Likewise also these filthy dreamers defile the flesh, despise dominion, and speak evil of dignities. Yet Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, 'The Lord rebuke thee.' But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves. Woe unto them! for they have gone in the way of Cain, and ran greedily after the error of Balaam for reward, and perished in the gainsaying of Core. These are spots in your feasts of charity, when they feast with you, feeding themselves without fear: clouds they are without water, carried about of winds; trees whose fruit withereth, without fruit, twice dead, plucked up by the roots; raging waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, to whom is reserved the blackness of darkness for ever. And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, 'Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints, to execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him. These are murmurers, complainers, walking after their own lusts; and their mouth speaketh great swelling words, having men's persons in admiration because of advantage." Jude 8-16.
I realized in a flash the harshness of my pastors and their greed. They always asked for money. It hit me that Jesus had no home after He started His ministry. He even said it Himself that He had no place to lay His head. I saw how the elders acted like hard taskmasters to the congregation, and had no compassion on people who arrived late because of the 6 o'clock traffic. I knew this was not the spirit of Christ. And I saw the stupidity of their blaming everything on the devil and their dramatic prayer meetings. It was full of darkness!
I immediately called my Baptist friend and she was happy that I saw that they were wrong. I then went to speak to my mother. She was glad also and told me that she knew those people were wrong because of the cheating they did on their taxes. I was in shock that she hid this from me, but I knew that it was from God. He had to be the one to show me these things. So I ended all my relationships with the people from that church. As a consequence, they were harsh and cruel towards me, which helped me to realize even more the darkness of their hearts.
I began to go to the church of another friend. He was one of my dearest friends and I believed that he was a good Christian. But when I went to his church, I was discouraged by their behavior and their disinterest in talking about God or His love. I knew that I would never go there again.
I then went to the church of another friend to speak to her Baptist pastor. He was young and very polite. He looked clean and proper and serious. I went in after school with my Bible in hopes of clearing up in my mind what had just happened. I told him what I was feeling and how I thought that God talked to me. He told me God didn't talk to people directly, but that He talked to people through the Bible. I thought that was wrong because I could recall instances of God speaking to me about things. "This guy doesn't know anything," I thought. He told me that he went to Bible school for years and assured me that he knew his stuff. So I decided that I would come in again to speak to him. But after talking to him again, I still wasn't convinced.
Another old friend invited me to his new church. I believed that he was a serious and spiritual young person so I said fine. So he picked me up and I went with him. We listened to Christian rock on our way there. When we got there, I saw one of the girls who was in Sign Language class with me. I knew she wasn't a Christian. But I brushed it off. I saw a few other old friends and was really surprised to see them. The church began with guitars and emotional singing but was more laid back. We went into separate groups and talked about issues and then prayed. I felt so out of place.
Afterwards we went to the church café. It looked like a Starbucks. The pastor came to say hello to me, the newcomer. He looked like a surfer with his little shorts, sports shirt, and stinky sneakers. He jumped in front of me and said, "What's up?" My jaw dropped. I was SO shocked. I could not believe the informality of this man. I knew this church was not for me. I was not looking for another Jesus club to go to. I wanted Jesus Himself and I wanted to find His people.
I told my Baptist friend that I would go to her church with her. I felt obligated to do so because I didn't know where else to go. I really wasn't satisfied, but the people in this church were so much nicer than the others, and they were also a lot more serious. We would talk about the Bible and God's ways according to Baptist teachings, but I wasn't convinced by them. However, they were so nice and I thought it was alright to overlook what I considered to be their errors.
I do want to elaborate on the fact that my friends in that church were very serious religious people. Many of them wanted to be missionaries and we would meditate on the stories of martyrs often. Many were willing to die for their religion. They all wanted to use their talents, whether art, music, dance, or business, for the expansion of their religion through ministry work. This is why I was so confident until the Lord showed me the worldliness and lukewarmness of this religion.
One morning, as I was getting dressed for church, I was thinking about what I was going to wear. I really liked a certain boy in the church and I wanted to make sure that I looked nice in order to attract his attention. As I put on my golden chain embedded with large black stones, I felt conviction in my heart. Was I dressing to please God or man? And was I going to church to meet with God or a boy? I saw the vanity and foolishness of my heart and put the chain away. I apologized to God and told him that I would go for Him. As the months passed, I toned down my make up for the same reason. The Lord wants His women to be of a quiet spirit, but I was trying to bring attention to myself.
I was having many internal battles that year in regards to controlling my anger and my lusts—my two weaknesses. I was very upset and went to the Lord in prayer often, begging for deliverance from these painful desires. I met with my pastor one day after church. I began to tell him of my struggles and my pains at home and in my everyday life. I began to weep. From the look on his face, I thought he might also cry. He told me sympathetically, "Oh Marggie, you need a hubby." I felt crushed that he would tell me this, especially coming from a pastor who supposedly knew about these things. I wanted deliverance from my sins, something he said I could not have, not a "hubby".
I knew in my heart that in Jesus there was victory, so I wouldn't give up. I talked to my friend and she was more helpful. She was so special. We would talk about these things and she seemed to understand me more. But she too said that we could never stop sinning, but that Jesus merely covered us with his white robes, while in our lives we would still be gross. I was devastated. I knew people in the church that thought this idea was wrong also, but they did nothing about it.
I had surgery on my left knee which laid me up for some time. I spent many hours alone. I prayed and talked to God almost all day. After two weeks of rest I began to go to church again. I made sure I went because I loved all of my friends and wanted to hear God's word. My friend and I went to the Bible class that my pastor held on Wednesdays. It was very interactive. He gave us a workbook to fill in for every week of class. As I read it, I saw how unspiritual and stupid it was. It was as empty as the salvation prayer that I had prayed three years before at the Verbo church. I was heart broken.
As my pastor taught, I felt the Lord in my heart tearing down his teachings on salvation, holiness, Christian love, etc. I was sitting quietly but, oh, no one knew the battle inside my soul. The Lord was showing me again the madness of false Christianity. I began talking to the pastor about these things; about deliverance from sin and falling from grace. He assured me that I was wrong. He explained that a Christian could not lose his salvation, because if a Christian has anything to do with his salvation, it will take from the glory of God. Baptist doctrine, he said, eliminates all cause of pride from the believer.
I begged him to reconsider. Something in me said that this wasn't right, that we humans are responsible for our behavior. In my heart I knew that we were born free will agents and that a loving God would not take that right from us. Furthermore, I had read so many instances where Paul and others warned Christians not to stumble and thereby lose what was given to them. Paul recognized the weakness of the believer and how easy it was to backslide. I was confused, but I felt that the same voice that had told me to leave those other churches was telling me that this one was wrong, too. I was so hurt. I prayed often and begged the Lord to please help me.
I began looking for printouts on the internet to give to my pastor. I found some which were really good, that shot down many Calvinistic doctrines, and I gave them to my pastor. I didn't want to do this alone. I wanted my pastor to see the truth about the Baptist religion, too. But he only read the first few words and ignored the rest. He didn't bother to understand what I was trying to say to him. He trusted more in his Bible schooling than what was in front of him. I knew in my heart that this wasn't right. The more I tried to shake it off, the less I slept at night. I was frustrated. In the mean time, my closest friends were trying to clear things up with me. Some agreed and some didn't. Those that didn't slowly left me.
I invited pastors to my house. I called some and emailed many. I talked to many of my old church friends to see what they thought of this. I was angry with God and began to lose faith in Him. I tried to live without thinking about Jesus and thought of looking into Judaism. But in my heart, I knew that Jesus Christ was and is and ever shall be the Son of God who came to redeem us from our deeds that are lawless in His sight. I asked God to forgive me for being angry, and I promised that I would follow Him if He would just lead me. I wanted Truth, and I also wanted to know who His real children were.
Then, as I was searching for something on Google, I found a site from a church in Maine called Friends of Jesus Christ. I read their first page and how it talked about the people of God and how they were delivered from worldliness. I couldn't help but to continue reading. I read about the end of the world and His second coming. For the first time, the promise of Jesus' Second Coming became real to me. I continued reading out of curiosity. I realized how serious these people appeared to be. I immediately realized that these people meant it. I went to a page which spoke about the usual things like homosexuality, Christmas, television, and fornication. It was thorough, so I read another one. I went to one which spoke about shorts and how they were immodest. I became really upset after reading that, but I knew that it was true. But it was hard to admit, coming from such a fashionista as I.
I was very impressed because I was so used to the churchiness I was a part of-- Christian hip hop, drama ministries, WWJD bracelets, and non-profit organizations to save the world-- but I immediately knew they would have none of this outward stuff. But I was afraid because all I ever knew was that.
I wept and asked the Lord to please show me if this was right. I sent the pastor an email. I suspected that they might be a cult, but I was so troubled about my sins that I took the chance. I wanted to know what this church taught about sin, because I had been looking for truth for a long while. In the mean time, I was corresponding with three other churches online about the same thing. None of them seemed to care about my soul, but I was still troubled about them.
The pastor of the Friends of Jesus Christ wrote back and he told me that he had read my letter and that the Lord was indeed talking to me. I knew he was right. He told me his testimony of how the Lord came to him and clearly led him into salvation and deliverance from sins. This really frightened me because I began to see the cross that I would have to pick up. He told me that He trusted the Lord would lead me into all Truth because obviously He had been leading me all along. I knew in my heart that this man knew what he was talking about.
It appeared that I wasn't the only one that heard this voice in my heart. I then read these scripture verses:
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe. He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light. That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world." John 1:1-9.
That pastor then told me about his church and how everyone in the church was saved by being led by God. Since most of the people from that church were not even from Maine, it was clear that the Lord had gathered them. He told me that the Lord had given him the church's name and that it was founded on what Jesus taught, "Ye are my friends, if you do whatsoever I command you." John 15:14.
I knew that that is exactly what it meant to be a Christian. I did not know what the Lord wanted me to do yet, but I knew that I had to hear Him. I would ask the pastor questions about what I should do, but he kept telling me, "Do what the Lord tells you". This frustrated me, because even though I knew that he was right, it was hard to really wait on God. I was used to just doing, not sitting and actually waiting for God Himself to show me what He wanted me to do!
To test the pastor, I asked him what he thought about the Baptist church. He told me exactly what I believed the Lord showed me. He went on to say that Baptists think that they can get into heaven being like they were, that is, remaining in their sins, when Jesus actually taught that we had to be born again in order to become a new creature, that is, one that is delivered from sin, in order to even see the Kingdom of God. So how much more necessary is that life changing birth needed in order to actually enter into our Lord's kingdom and to become one with Him?
I began listening to one of the sermons. It was the testimony of a woman in the church named Paula. She talked about how the Lord spoke to her while she was under conviction before her conversion and showed her things that were wrong in her life. I knew it was the Lord because He had been doing the same exact thing with me for many months. I knew these were the people of God because the same Lord that spoke to them was speaking to me.
I finally understood what salvation meant. It wasn't about feeling sorry about sin or asking Jesus to come into your heart. It was about hearing the voice of Jesus and following Him, like a little lamb, and trusting Him in faith. I saw how wrong the other churches were. They were only telling me what to do, but they never told me to go straight to the Lord to ask of Him. They didn't really believe that Jesus died to make us holy. They believed that Jesus died so we could go to heaven, regardless of our sins.
When I read the testimonies of the members of this church, I thought, "Wow, these are real Christians!" and I remembered this verse from the first epistle of Peter:
"But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light: which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy. Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul; having your conversation honest among the Gentiles: that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation." I Peter 2:9-12.
It clearly appeared that these people were a holy, peculiar people. I saw how in each of their lives God had dealt with them in a similar way to how He had been and was still dealing with me, and how He gathered them as He was gathering me. I could plainly see that they really were like strangers and pilgrims, like Abraham and Moses, and most importantly, like Jesus Himself. And, because of their works and testimonies, I saw clearly that these were God's people.
I could not help but remember the many times my old friends in the churches in which I had attended would talk about these verses and apply them to themselves, but in my heart I would be thinking, "How are we peculiar and holy? We are just like everyone else in the world!" The only difference perhaps was that we didn't curse (although sometimes it would slip out) or watch porn (but most movies today are like porn), and we were engrossed in church activities.
The things that the Lord was showing me were hard to bear. I saw I had to give up the vanities of my heart: my jewelry and my worldly religious music. These things, though nice to the world, were rebellion to God. I also saw that I had to be happy with the way that God had made me—not changing my hair color nor imitating the models and actresses of this world who would one day go to hell for their rebellion towards God. He showed me that a Christian woman, like it says in the Bible, has her beauty within, not outwardly with gold jewelry or worldly fashions, and she is humble and respects God. (I Peter 3:2-4)
He also showed me the pride of my life: my art. I saw that if I was going to serve the Lord, I could no longer be in the art world because it brought me pride and it definitely belonged to the world. And I quickly saw the lewdness, arrogance, and rebellion of the art world, both in the artists and their fans. I was shocked that I had never seen this before. I once was blind, but now I could see!
He gave me a taste of what it means to be a real Christian: to bear the reproaches of Christ and to bear one's own cross. I didn't understand what that meant until I had to carry it. I finally understood the parables of Jesus when he said that if you aren't willing to lose your parents, children, siblings, friends, and even your own life, you aren't worthy of Him. I also realized why Jesus always stressed how hard it was to go to heaven—because it required a total commitment both inside and out. I was afraid, but like Jesus said, I had to fear God more than men because God can destroy the body and soul in hell.
It was hard to yield my life. I was alone in Miami and God's people were in Maine. I was struggling because I was afraid of losing everyone and everything. But the Lord kept showing me that He would never leave me nor forsake me if I would only trust in Him. If I had a heart of faith, He would take care of me. I had to trust that God would give me the right words to explain to my family and my friends what was happening to me. And I had to see that God was still taking care of His people after all of these years. So if He took care of them, He would take care of me.
Finally, in the early evening of December 7, 2008, after a long and hard struggle, in my heart I gave up my will to Almighty God. I knew that that was all that He wanted, and I meant it with every fiber of my soul. I emailed Bud, the pastor, and told Him that I had yielded. He emailed me back full of joy and thankfulness to God. I knew that the church had been on their knees praying to the Lord for me. I cried and was so happy because my search was over. I crossed the bridge from death to life. I was finally all God's, forever and ever, and I finally knew His people.
Life has been very hard since then, but I have been often refreshed by the sweet fellowship that I have with the Lord and His people. I marvel at all that He has done in our lives, for we have gone through the same experiences and have crossed the same sea. I trust that the Lord will add to our numbers in these last days, the same way that He gathered me and has gathered a few others after my conversion. We even attend the services in Maine through the computer and a webcam, for which I am very grateful. It makes me aware that I am a member of the Body of Christ!
I was amazed and still am at God's tender dealings with my soul. I will be forever thankful because He showed me so carefully and patiently the foolishness and lies of the false Christians and churches. He heard my cries and saw my desires for truth, and He answered me at the right time. And even though most of my brethren are in Maine (I say most because the Lord has gathered some people even in Texas!), we have great fellowship because we follow the same Lord, walk in the same narrow path, and will one day go to the same Heaven!